I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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