Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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