i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
