I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im holly from the hills drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
