I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
