His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
