i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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