You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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