my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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