Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
