Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
