We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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