Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
