that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
