dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
