I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
her vagine was all disorganized.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
