so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
