I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
