I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
