you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
