I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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