I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize