I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
