I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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