Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
