i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
