i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
