Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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