The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
