morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well I just put wine in my tea
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
