Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
