May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
