So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
