If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They took my balls.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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