dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
