Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
