I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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