if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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