Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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