Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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