Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
