We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
