I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
even my farts smell like vagina
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
