When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
