I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
