Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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