he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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