census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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