whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
