You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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