Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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