I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
