I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
no you cant smoke seaweed
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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