I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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